May the words that I speak to you be Spirit and life…
For some of you, these may not be the words you want to read; and for some, these may be close to the words that you need to read. I get it. In part, it is an addiction that is hard to break; either you do not want to, or you are afraid to. I have had my moments, too, moments where I am watching videos or reading these stories, let my imagination run free, desiring that release, telling myself that “I love this stuff” only to have an emptiness once it was all over. But I was having fun while doing what I was doing, right? So, if I go right back to it again, it will keep me happy… right?
At the end of 2002, I was tired of being alone. I was never much for going out to a bar, and most of the places I went to were places you could go alone and not interact with people. I asked God to help me to find someone, a girlfriend, or to let me see, to know, the pain that other people were feeling. Well, I was married in the middle of 2003. At the time, I thought all my problems would go away and that those urges would be satisfied. They were not? Though my prayer may have been answered, it was not a godly relationship. At the time, I did not even know what that truly meant, but I have learned since then.
After several struggles with finances and family and moving to another state to be with her family, filing for bankruptcy, and supporting an out-of-control gambling habit, I submitted to the struggles, and just assumed that was the life I was destined to lead. And the images and videos from the internet? They still pulled me in… more so since I was not joyful with my life. It may have appeared that way, but I was still missing something.
Then, in 2006, I had an affair. I, for lack of a better word, prayed for that affair. I had believed that this was the normal in society, that if you were not happy with your spouse, you could just switch to another person for awhile and it would be alright. I even wrote a couple of my stories about it, attempting to brag about it and keep the memory alive. But that was wrong, and I should have never… well, I should have never come to this site, and certainly never should have posted my stories, even if they were mostly fiction.
From 2006 to 2016, I lived with a wife that hated me for what I did, and endured verbal, emotional, and often, etimesgut escort physical abuse because of it. Nothing I did would ever make anything right. Any good deed that I did was laced with guilt, and then I would be shamed for what I had done to fracture our marriage. Now, at one point, I was driving around, listening to conservative talk-radio, when I told myself to listen to Christian music. Why? Because “I have to do something to save my soul.”
At first, I could not stand to listen to the music, and then it slowly grew on me. I started to learn that God loves me, even in the darkness that I surrounded myself with. He wants the best for me, and turning a life around brings Him glory. While my wife was telling me that I had “broken one of the Ten Commandments” and that “God does not forgive that”, I was learning that we are all sinners, but we do not have to stay in our sin, that we can move from it and live a better life. The people in those videos, their images splash across the internet… well, first, they are child of God, loved by Him just as much as any one of us. But they are lost, and probably do not know the true love of Christ, and my heart aches for them in a way I never thought possible, complete opposite to how I used to lust after them (the women, that is).
Then, one day, while I was at work, I was being bombarded by my co-workers asking for assistance, asking questions, and I started to get overwhelmed. At one point, I closed my eyes, thumped my head against the door that I was working on, and said, “God, I cannot do this.” It was like this great light shone around me, and I felt the forgiveness that the Lord was offering me. He has always been offering it; I just refused to accept it.
Now, do not let me mislead you; this has been a process. In fact, I was posting my stories after I knew that I was forgiven, because I still did not understand. I continued to work and listen to Christian music. One day, I was cleaning out my van, and I saw that at the top of a trashcan was a Bible that someone had thrown away, and I picked it up. God delivered that Bible to me at the time that I would need it.
There is a song that has the lyrics “Your world is not falling apart; it’s falling into place.” And that was what was happening. I took a job offer in a new city. From there, I was sent to etlik escort fill in doing a job in another state, which lasted for three months. During that time, as I listened to my talk-radio on the jobsite, they had a banner for the movie ‘I Can Only Imagine’. I clicked on the video and wanted to watch it. When it came to theaters, I saw it. After that, I wanted to go to a MercyME concert. I went, and while I was there… well, first, the band almost had to cancel for an ice-storm that hit the area the day before, but they made it. I was at the concert, when some guy showed up a little into the concert; he had free tickets as he ran a radio station, and he wanted to go, but his wife did not. During an intermission, this gentleman spoke to me and asked me if I had a church. Who does that? I told him that I had not found one, and he told me about one that can be watched online.
Three weeks later, my divorce was finalized, and it hurt more than I thought it would… at the time. I reached out to that church the guy told me about, and they had me come in to talk about my future with the church, and what God is doing for me, and I can do for God. So, I started to show up. I was a sinner, unclean, and had no business being there, right? Believing that, I kept myself isolated from people, until a pastor saw me standing off to the side and struck up a conversation. He invited me to a Memorial Day barbecue, and a few days later let me borrow his truck to pick up some of my items that my ex-wife wanted to get rid of, such as my dogs.
I learned, submitted to Christ, served in the church, and was even baptized… but I was still prone to sin, I still liked my video and could not break from that. Then, I willingly submitted to giving them up for forty days to see how God would work in my life. Twenty days into the commitment, that pastor reached out to me for a small job that the church needed my expertise for, in exchange for taking me out to a fancy meal. While at the dinner, the pastor asked if I remember this woman he had at the barbecue and thought that we would make a nice couple. I still saw myself as a dirty, stained sinner that was too broken from my divorce to start dating… but I did. I asked her out, and we started dating… before those forty days were up. We did not engage in physical actions before marriage, which eve gelen escort was tough, but worth it, and so much meaningful than anything these stories and videos could ever produce.
We married in 2020, and now have a daughter. I have had moments were it was difficult, and I have struggled like anyone that had an addiction; it never really seems to leave you, but there is a way. In 1st John 3:5-6 it says “And you know that He was manifested to take away our sins, and in Him there is no sin. Whoever abides in Him does not sin. Whoever sins has neither seen Him nor known Him.” This moved me. This changed the way I look at, not only my life, but the life of those around me. If you enjoy these stories and videos, I ask that you seek something more. Perhaps you consider yourself a Christian, and think these things are fine… I ask that you seek the wisdom of God for that answer. The Bible does say that we are to “awake to righteousness, and do not sin” (1 Corinthians 15:9) and that “we should not lust after evil things” (1 Corinthians 10:6). It is not some stuffy restriction, but honestly, pure liberty given to us by God, that “for the law of the Spirit of life in Christ Jesus has made [us] free from the law of sin and death. (Romans 8:2)”
It has been a struggle, and a learning process. In 2nd Peter 1:5 I learned, “But also for this very reason, giving all diligence, add to your faith virtue, to virtue knowledge, to knowledge self-control, to self-control perseverance, to perseverance godliness, to godliness brotherly kindness, to brotherly kindness love.” It has been a step-by-step process, which I have stumbled and gotten wrong along the way. Do not be fooled, I am not saying that the people of the church are perfect, but the Lord God Almighty wants us to strive for that perfection and the eternal life He is offering us through our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. “A person shall be put to death for his own sins” (Deuteronomy 24:16); this is true, and is reflective of what Jesus warns us about, to not stay trapped in our sins repeating the process and enjoying it. Are we going to stumble? Sure. “Godly sorrow produces repentance leading to salvation.” (2 Corinthians 7:10).
I only ask that you consider my words. I reach out to you, through this forum, because I know the trappings that sin can have over our fleshly forms. Though I may not know you, I care about your eternity, and pray that you will read this, ponder it, repent, and that God will work in you to help move someone else away from their sin and into a brighter future that He is offering.
Peace be with you, my brothers and sisters. May God bless you.